Eulogy

Eulogy: As delivered by Captain Jonas Grumby

Today we gather to pay our respects to a man whose life was never boring nor precictable. An uncoordinated, bumbling man with the aptitude of a coffee pot, (quiet laughter), but a man who would pick up a butterfly on his finger to move it to a more nectarous flower. We loved him for both those reasons. He was able to survive the perils of being marooned on a deserted island, including a very close call with a boa constrictor, to the tsunami from the earthquake which nearly took his life as well several of us here too. Sadly, however, making it back to civilization was fraught with its own dangers.

Upon our return, his penchant for Angus beef was his demise; he choked to death on a piece of Omaha Steak he had purchase on QVC's Monday Meat Marathon. A sudden and unexpected tragedy, indeed. It is not only an honor for me to cast off my best friend, but to do so in the company of those who knew him best: Thurston Howell, III, Eunice Wentworth Howell, Ginger Grant, Roy Hinkley, renowned professor, and Mary Ann Summers. We never even know your last name. Farewell, Gilligan, (choking back tears), my "Little Buddy."

Eulogy- Tinkerbell

Friends, we are gathered to mourn the passing of the beloved fairy Tinkerbell. Tink, as she was known to friends and fans, is now fluttering like a butterfly to the pearly gates of that great Neverland in the sky. Although tiny enough to fit in a coffee pot she fluttered and winked her way into the hearts of many. After surviving the great earthquake of 1908 at the age of four, Tink sprinkled her pixie dust across the country until finally finding a home at Disney World in Orlando in the 1950s. Tink is survived by her long time co-stars and friends Peter Pan and Wendy, who were tragically not swift enough to save her from Robert Iger's escaped pet boa constrictor. She will be deeply missed, but will live on in the hearts and on the bumper stickers of middle-aged bleach blonde women everywhere. To honor her memory Disney, through an exclusive contract with QVC, will be running a special on Tinkerbell merchandise for a limited time; ten percent of all proceeds will be donated in Tink's name to the Escaped Pet Boa Constrictor Awareness Program.